Men: 3 Ways to Boost Your Mental Health Fast

Men are taught from a young age to ignore their feelings, or that being emotional makes you weak. Evidence is showing, however, that this approach is taking a serious toll on men, both mentally and physically. We have a long way to go, and a lot of cultural mindset obstacles to overcome. But here is my list of three ways to boost a man’s mental health that will pay off relatively quickly.

#1. Acknowledge Those Feelings

So this one seems too easy. But traditionally in western culture, men have been taught they need to be strong. Taking just a short journey into popular film or tv and the message is clear, men don’t have emotion. Men aren’t allowed to cry. Even in Little League Baseball the mantra of “walk it off” when injured is one of the most memorable lessons I remember being taught by my coaches. Emotions were viewed as distractions, as weakness. Men are taught to accomplish the task, to be successful. In that world fear, worry, sadness, and loneliness are not allowed to exist.

Real life example: Recently my son started kindergarten. We knew this day was coming, we had begun to mentally prep ourselves and our son for this day months ahead of time. However, all that prep went out the window on that first day when, after giving my son a hug and a kiss and some encouraging words and sending him on his way into the school, I watched as the emotions overwhelmed him, his face melting into fear and sadness at this new venture. I called him back to me, and with the help of some great educators I gave him another affirming hug, some more encouraging words and he successfully made it into school.

Later that day, someone asked me how the school drop off went. And I admitted that it was hard, it was emotional. And this person, with no ill-intent what-so-ever asked, “How is your wife doing with it.” Yes, my wife was very emotional about this day. She cried hard. But this person didn’t realize that I, Jared Coffman, had bawled so violently on my way to work that I almost had to pull over. I was a wreck. But this is an example of how we, as a culture, assume the mother is going to struggle, and that the dad will be the one that is just fine.

So men, what I am trying to say is acknowledge that you have those feelings. Because you do. There are things that make you sad, even if its a really exciting rite of passage for your kids. There are things that make you worry or scared. And that is OK! Those feelings are normal!!! To ignore them is inhuman and frankly, dangerous (more on that later).

And guys, I am not saying you need to wear your emotions on your sleeve and shout to the world how you are feeling. This is a new skill and we can take baby steps. Just acknowledge the feelings. Sit in your vehicle, or in your favorite chair and just think, “Yep, that made me feel sad”.

#2. Take Time For Yourself

…and be intentional about it. Self-care is one of those terms that just doesn’t culturally fit in the traditional sense of man-hood. I am not sure why exactly, but I can guess that perhaps a man admitting they need to take care of themselves is seen as weakness since a man is “expected” to be the provider for his family.

One of my favorite on going themes in Parks and Recreation was when Tom and Donna had “Treat Yo Self” day. This was where they went out of their way to spend extravagantly on pampering and shopping, all in the name of doing whatever they wanted to make themselves feel better.

Don’t worry. I am certainly not suggesting this level of self-care. What I mean is: guys, find a hobby. Just something that you enjoy doing that isn’t your job, and isn’t necessarily tied to taking care of your family. Maybe you have a hobby already. Maybe you fish, or work on your car, or bake, or wood-work, or have a knack for decorating. In that case, while doing that thing, take a moment, breathe deeply, and intentionally think….”Yeah, I like this. This is good.” Take that moment to acknowledge that this feels good and is good for you.

#3. Ask For Help

This is perhaps the scariest suggestion on the list. I get it. I come from a long line of man-hood that refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong and that I have met my capacity to solve the problem. This one takes a bit of work to really feel comfortable doing it, but I promise it is worth it in the end.

It is almost second nature for us that when we are doing a big project at home, we ask a friend to come over and lend a hand. But when we are struggling with an issue at work, or in our marriage, or as a father, we swallow that down hard.

Baby steps here again. Start with the next time you are with your friend, have a real, genuine conversation about what is happening in your life. That decision you and your wife are facing that you need another view point on, the promotion at work that you are anxious about applying for, the frustration you feel when your kids don’t listen to you. The more we do this, check on each other, allow for genuine conversation, the easier it becomes.

From experience I know that some men don’t feel like they can talk to their group of friends about serious things (that western male culture creeping in again). So reach out to a therapist. That person has been specifically trained to listen to what you are going through or struggling with. Regardless of who you reach out to, let’s normalize asking for help with more than just holding the ladder.

Why is this important?

I mentioned earlier that not changing our approach to mental health is dangerous. Men are dying from suicides at an alarming rate while they are silently swallowing their pain, depression, loneliness. Additionally, the stress this creates as men actively suppress their feelings can cause many other significant health problems; disrupted sleep, poor eating, weight gain, heart problems, high blood pressure, etc.

Or, ask yourself how ignoring these feelings is doing for your relationship with your significant other. Is it bringing you closer or driving a wedge between you?

Lastly, I often think about what kind of example I am to my children, my son and my daughter. How do I want them to learn about feelings and emotions? How do I want them to express themselves to others? How do I want them to take care of themselves, both physically and mentally, but also their friends and future families? I have to show them. I have to teach them that it is ok to be sad, and that there is strength in acknowledging when we are not 100%. It’s good leadership to recognize when I need to lean on support from others. So, guys, do it for the kids!

If you are a man, or support a man who needs some extra help with their mental wellness, be kind, be patient, but also, reach out (or encourage them to reach out) to a therapist.

You are worth it!

Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash